What's Draining You? Tolerations & What's Zapping Your Success Cup

In this episode, Barb sits down with our favourite co-host and life coach, Denise Torgerson to delve into the concept of "tolerations." These are the little (or big) things in life that we put up with, often without realizing how much they drain our energy and prevent us from thriving. Denise walks us through identifying these hidden tolerances, understanding why we keep them around, and, most importantly, learning how to let go. Mela shares her own experiences with how tolerating small annoyances can accumulate, and become a larger toleration that leaves you feeling burnt out. 

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Transcript

Usually I'd book an hour for those kinds of sessions and about three minutes in, I said to her, you know anybody else is showing up? And she looked at me and she said, I'm not gonna put up with that shit from him! That's it. I'm done. 

[Laughter]

You were listening to What's Next conversations with boomers, and I'm Barb Desmarais, your host. 

We're excited to now be part of the Super Aging News Network, the most authoritative online source of news, trends and ideas on longevity and the super aging revolution. Getting older without getting old. Find the link in our show notes and be sure to sign up for their newsletter. 

Today, we have on Denise Torgerson, our great friend of the pod, and Denise and I, If you have not heard us before, we have recorded many together. And just to give you a little bit of background, I am a retired parenting/life coach, and Denise also still does some coaching and has been in the coaching world for many, many years. And we both studied many courses with Coach Ville. And one of the things that we learned about when coaching people was to talk about tolerations, what in our lives are we tolerating from the very small things to really big things. So you might be thinking, how does this relate to boomers? Well, actually, tolerations are relevant to absolutely every age group. And we boomers are still tolerating things that we should probably think more seriously about. Why are we tolerating this? So Denise and I decided that we are going to delve into this, and we will share some of the knowledge that we learned while we were studying through Coach Ville. So, Denise, once again, thank you so much for coming. We get so much good feedback around. Oh, Denise is so lovely to listen to, so warm and so kind and so smart. And of course, I know all that because I've known Denise for decades. 

And so, first, thank you for all those words, Barbie. I don't want to ignore that. 

True. All true. 

And it's always a pleasure to be here.

So thank you for inviting me back. 

We just thought this would be a fun thing to to explore and dive into, because it really is relevant to, to everybody. So, Denise, why is it that tolerations are worth talking about?

Well, you know, it was our Sunday morning conversation when we actually started talking about what are we tolerating? 

Yes.

that we realize that might be a conversation worth sharing. So Thomas Leonard, our teacher? 

Yeah, 

the founder of Coach Ville. Right? 

Yeah. He talks about tolerations are things that bug us

and that zap our energy, and that could be eliminated. But that for some reason we don't. And he and we

agree that it costs us a lot to have tolerations. So it really his quote was, it's like having holes in your success cup, 

having holes in your success cup, 

because the amount of energy it takes to hold these tolerations, that energy could be used towards different and perhaps more creative and just more fulfilling things. So yeah, 

so toleration is hold us back. 

They hold us back or they zap us. They zap us of our day and motivation. Yeah. 

And when we are zapped, when our energy is zapped, or when anything does hold us back, we don't have the energy to to move forward and with the same level of motivation. So let's let's share some examples of what we mean by everybody knows what to tolerate means. But what do we mean when we say tolerations?

Tolerations can be really big or really little. So a toleration can be something as simple as, I need to fix that leaky faucet, the faucet that keeps dripping, right? Or,um, clutter is another one that we tolerate. Things that are we just collect so much, so much that, um, our spaces become smaller and smaller, so physical, tangible things that we tolerate, but also intangible things that we tolerate, like we tolerate, maybe it's a boundary, you know, maybe it's boundaries, like relational toleration, 

mmhmm, 

financial toleration, things that we tolerate there. Technology tolerations. Like right now, one of my biggest blocks in life is I don't know how to build a website. And rather than learn, I'm just tolerating the fact that I don't know how to build a website. 

Good example, 

but it zaps me of my energy and sort of takes away the even motivation to learn. Like because it's just been sort of rolling around in my energy bubble for so long. That's just an example. But also so when we get so many tolerations that we're not dealing with, it can affect our self-esteem and our sense of confidence, right? Our sense of well-being, 

it can. 

Yeah. 

So how would you say it affects our self-esteem? I agree with you,

how? 

Say more about that. 

Well, for example, you have a limiting belief about something and you're rather than testing that limiting belief, you are tolerating the fact that you have it. And so it stops you from doing things. And so because we don't challenge ourselves when we're afraid of something rather than challenging it, it zaps us. And that affects our self-esteem. 

Right. Well, it it I know for me, if I, if I put off fixing something or doing something or calling somebody or any of those things, they're always in the back of my head and I think, gosh, I'm a I'm, I'm, I'm so disorganized. I'm such a terrible friend. I'm, I'm so messy. I'm so incompetent.

Right. 

And there's there's just all things that, that are that, that sort

of weigh me down. And they're, they're not at the forefront, but they're always they're right at the back of

your mind until you address them and you realize, wow. I just feel so much better. 

What a relief. Yeah,

what a relief. And it is funny that it can be something very, very small and seemingly insignificant that can that'll do that to you. That'll kind of throw you off your game, right? Like the cupboard drawer with the handle that's broken, you know? And every time you go to open the drawer, you gotta those things, I don't know, they mess with your head. 

Yeah, exactly. I know, I mean, everybody, well, maybe not everybody speaking for myself. There's always a cupboard or one or 2 or 3 that they have that desperately need organizing where I need to pull everything out, clean it and put everything back. But, you know, when you finally get around to doing these things, of course, they take much less time than you than you think. I mean, you spend infinitely more time thinking about it than actually doing it. You do it. I go back and open it up and just have a look. Just just because it feels so good. And then I might do it again an hour later. Oh my God, I just have to look at that. Oh my gosh that felt good. 

Mhm. Yeah.

So these are the small tolerations. 

Yeah. yeah. And like I said, they will drain you for sure. And as you're talking and I'm also kind of going into that. What are you tolerating in relationships?  you know, 

yes

and as we get older, right? What are we tolerating. Because I personally think that ageism is rampant and we're sort of meant to kind of put up with it or we we put up with it. It's not in our face. It's not we're not militant or knockabout or something. 

Or assertive enough. 

Assertive. Yeah. That's a better word. 

Right. Yes. Certainly relationship toleration are big because many of us, you know, for instance, we may have friends we've had for years and years and years and suddenly they're just the friendship just isn't working anymore for whatever reason. Or you find yourself walking on eggshells or you find yourself, gosh, when I'm with that person, I just it's not it's not fun or I feel name any negative feeling. And obviously it's time to terminate that friendship, which is not not an easy thing to do, but that's life. But when you do, you. There's a "phew. Oh. Oh gosh, I don't you know that's that that weight has been lifted."

Can I share a story?

Please 

Sure 

Well, I'm kind of going through something like that. So one of my close friends, he's the type of person that if things are happening in his life and he's constantly, like, fighting with his boyfriend every like 6/7 months, they'll have a huge blowout or whatever. And, you know, they would have to take a break from each other. So live separately for, for a while. So when he was like in the heat of things, I offered him my apartment. I was trying to be there for him. I was trying to be a good friend. And every time he goes through these like, fights with him, with his boyfriend, he tends to like shut down and just disappear. And I never know if he's okay. And I would call him. He will. He won't respond, he won't text. And he was supposed to come to my place, and I offered him my couch, and he just sort of ghosted me and like, just didn't text back. This happened before, and he was supposed to watch Chance, my Dog, and at the time Chance was a puppy and they got into this big fight like him and his boyfriend got into this big fight. And again, I didn't know what was going on with him and I didn't hear from him for weeks, for weeks. And then when he came back, he acted like nothing was wrong. And when your guys were talking about toleration, like, I tolerated it so much because I thought I was being a good friend. Okay, well, he's going through this, that and the third. I just have to have more grace and like, approach it with a bit more compassion. And, and now I just feel burnt out. Like my birthday came and went and I didn't hear from him. He said he was going to come to my birthday party. I didn't hear from him on the day of my birthday. He didn't show up to the party. And then he drove past me and my dogs a couple days ago like as we were coming out of the building, and he was driving by and he's like, hey, what's going on? I thought you were mad at me. And like, he always does this when he comes around. He makes it seem like I did something wrong, that I was being cold when I'm just kind of like trying to react accordingly to the space that he has created. And all this time, like I tolerated the nor texting to not calling back the disappearing for weeks on end and blah blah blah and then coming back as if nothing's wrong because in my head I'm being a good friend by giving him grace because he's been through X, Y and Z because that's how he always comes back. It's like I was going through it, girl, this happened, this happened, this happened. All these bad things happened to me and blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And not recognizing that these like little tolerations has accumulated to me, just feeling so burnt out from this relationship. 

A perfect example of a relational toleration. And how much are we willing to tolerate to keep these friendships? And the other part is that, um you know, we're this has been intergenerational or generationally, we're taught to be we're the ones that need to have the grace generationally, like the boomers, the XS, the Zs, the millennials

were all there's this unspoken societal rule that women are supposed to be the ones that are graceful and we're supposed to. You know, we're supposed to hold space and have grace for people that are going through stuff. So the toleration is you're you're putting up with a friend who are disappearing and coming back when it's ..., 

when it's convenient is that you said?

yeah.

Can I just add something? 

Yeah. 

So Tim and I, of course, talk about relationships all the time. And so much of what we talk about really applies to all relationships. And what I heard when I was listening to your story was that there was a lack of reciprocity. And when there's a lack of reciprocity, that is something that we do tend to tolerate for sometimes far too long. This is one sided. And there comes a time when relationships are really put to the test. And that sounds like in your case, the relationship was put to the test. And sometimes people fail the test and sometimes it's us. But friendships. All levels of relationships, you know, involve all sorts of kinds of interactions and circumstances. And, you know, in our own best interests, sometimes we just have to let those friendships go because they they take more from us than, than we receive. 

And we'll be right back. 

Reciprocity is really important. And lots of times it's it's forgotten. And and in friendships, there are times when we give more than we get back. But then, then it's the other person's turn. There's a there's a it doesn't have to be immediate. And certainly a healthy friendship isn't to make you feel burnt out and if it's something that's making you feel burnt out, it's time to let go of it. 

Or have the conversation and try to correct it, right? 

Right. If that's possible. 

We've had we've had a lot of conversations because this isn't the first time, obviously, that he's disappeared. And he there's like little things that have accumulated over time. Like even when things were like, okay, I'll invite him for drinks or something and then eventually just never showing up. So like these little things, like he would just do them and like claim that, oh, I passed out or I fell asleep or oh, I forgot. Even little things like, okay, I'll come over and, you know, we'll watch Housewives or something like that. And then again, just never showing up, never texting back, never addressing it, never apologizing for it either. So it's like I just, I don't know, like I've just allowed it for so long and now I'm just realizing, does he do this to anyone else? Like, is this just a thing he does to all his friends, or have I just allowed it to go on for so long? Like he just treats me this way? You know?

Mela, I just had to end a friendship because the person was extremely unreliable. Late, late, late, and I. I just said, I'm sorry. I can't have a relationship on any level with somebody that I cannot rely on. And that was the end of it. 

Yeah. 

Okay. Should we move on to the.

Yeah, let's move on. Let's move on. Sorry. 

That's okay. 

Sorry. 

We're here for you, Mela. 

When I was reading through the, you know, doing the building research, um. Was, uh. He says toleration can make you feel less attractive to yourself, uh, mentally. Right. Like it? Just because we tolerate so much sometimes that it zaps us in that way as well. So I'm hearing, you know, questioning is no. Right. Yeah.

That was a good example. 

I feel like there is sort of a parallel thought, you know, like that I am I puttingup with too much. What what have I done. No. This, that because this person has treated you with disregard. 

Mmhmm, 

your questioning yourself. So the four steps will help eliminate things that you're tolerating the first one,

the first step is to first of all recognize, look at, take a look at what are the benefits of the toleration. Like what's the payoff? So to think about that journal about that, talk about that with somebody. And then once you kind of realize what the payoff is, develop a goal or raise your standards so that you don't permit yourself to tolerate that anymore. I'm not putting up with that anymore. And then number three. Is that sometimes we have tolerations, but we can't raise it to a goal or we cannot raise the standard. Because something about getting rid of that toleration scares us. If there is a fear around a consequence of getting rid of toleration, sometimes a fear of a consequence is real, right? So we need to pay attention to that. And is there a way that we can reduce the consequence, lessen the fear. And then the fourth one is you're tolerating something and your feeling this energy. The energy drain is information. So to have a healthy respect for the things that we tolerate and a healthy respect for the reasons that we tolerate the things that we do, and to understand that the information for us in our journey of self-awareness and to choose to let it go, to give it up to, to create the boundary, to clean the mess up, whatever that is, does that makes sense?

When I'm listening to you, I'm realizing and for our listeners, we all are living with toleration. There isn't any of us that has eliminated all of our toleration. We just try and work on them bit by bit. And I think understanding the consequence for us. What is this doing? Is it is it pulling me down? And in coaching we work with people to help them to move forward. Could be career, it could be relationships, it could be with their parenting. It could be with their health. It could be with any you're wanting to go from where you are to, to better, to to move forward. And so we talk about this whole issue of tolerations, because we know that tolerating too many things prevents us from moving forward and holds us back. But that is not as to say you're never going to have your your there's never going to be a life where you have zero things that you're tolerating. 

And we'll be right back. 

Okay, I'm going to talk about a different coaching model and sort of blend them, but I just want to preface it by saying that sometimes it can feel way too overwhelming. So if it does, just, you know, shelf it for another day. But when I do talk to clients about tolerations, I do it in terms of it's called environmental design. It's kind of like a light wheel. So we look at different aspects of your life and then what are you tolerating in each one. Right. So just to kind of break it up into parts so that it can become more clear. So the ones that that we talk about, the first one is called memetic. So what do you believe. Right. A meme is a belief or an idea. Memetics can be intergenerational. How does what you believe to be true impact your life? So that's kind of what the memetic environment is. The second one is your body. And your body means your body, your hair or your skin, your health, your energy levels. What are you tolerating in terms of your body? Third one is yourself, and that's your internal. So your strengths, your talents, your personality, your emotions, what are your values, your passions, your skills, our inner world reflected outwards. So we talk about that's always a big conversation with my clients. That's kind of where we like to live in our inner world. So um, the next one is technology, right? So what are you tolerating in terms of technology, your virtual spaces, your social media, your networking. And often people are talking about how they're becoming more ADHD because they're always on their phones. They're always scrolling. So that would become a toleration. Can you learn how to put your phone down? And then, just like I said earlier about, you know, I need to learn how to build a website so that technological piece can be lacking, but specifically for boomers, right? Because we grew up not having this stuff. This is still this is still new to us. Um, spiritually, what are you tolerating spiritually? Often people find in their spiritual world that, I mean, it's either either supports us and nourishes us or it can be a source of. Just an example. My niece went to a church and there were a lot of misogynistic men in her church, so she was tolerating that. 

Mhm. 

Yeah. Yeah. So that's just an example. Relational. Our relationships intimate. Close connections. Families, friends, mentors. Some work colleagues. Are we. Are there any tolerations in there? Mela just had a perfect one. Our network, our network, our people in our world. But people were on a first name basis with. But they're not necessarily our friends. They're not necessarily people that we're close to, but they're still in effect. Our day to day is and how we move through our world, our financial life, finances. What are you tolerating? I mean, if our finances are out of whack, it will affect every other environment or aspect in our life and physical. And that we talked about that earlier. Physical, our home, our car, our office, all of the tangible aspects of our like. No one is too much noise, too much clutter. Things are broken. All of them. They're all ways if you can sort of list in each of those environments and then start ticking off, you know, things that you've fixed, things that you've gotten rid of. I know when I my first job, when I, uh, retired from work in July, was to start decluttering and, you know, basically emptying out a room because that was really weighing on me. We we are we are collectors in this house. So we've got lots of stuff. So yeah. So those and so we would go we would sort of create lists in each one of those environments and then talk about which, um, you know, first of all, which is easier because I'm always about micro moves, just micro moves, but also what might have the biggest impact, right? So in terms of Mela's story, by her either creating a boundary or letting go of that friend or have whatever, whatever she chooses to do, by doing that, that her time, her how she moves through the world herself, her self-esteem, her other friendships, you know, possibly finances, I don't know, but yeah. So something seemingly as insignificant as fixing a broken cupboard, um, can have dramatic effects throughout all the other aspects. 

That's that's great, Denise. Thanks. 

You're frowning at me, Barbie. I'm not sure that I

Frowning, am I? 

No, no, she's just very concentrated. 

I was very concentrated. Yes, yes, because this is really significant. Um, I wanted I want to share an example that is directly related to boomers that I just had. I just before I came on, I just had my French lesson and we got into a conversation about older people learning something new. And, uh, I was telling Simona, my French teacher, that of the 95 episodes we've done or something like that, the one that we did around learning French later in life is in the top five. And so we as older people, tolerate often a mindset of, I'm too old to learn that. I'm too old to be doing that. And she dispels that entirely. And I said, you know, when I decided to learn French, I was probably 60. I'd never occurred to me that I was too old. And so that is that is something else is is tolerating a belief system about yourself. And that does have direct and indirect effects on your on your whole self-worth. And when you break through that. I have to say that I have a very long way to go before I'm fluent in French, but I know quite a bit and I think, Holy smokes! I'm 71 and I'm still learning and I can speak French and it feels really good. Just a mindset of I can't do that because I'm too old. There's more things that we can do if we put aside this notion that we're too old to be doing it. So, and that can go into what Denise was saying about the spiritual toleration. And I'm sure that, you know, if people that are belong to a certain religion, tolerating a belief system, an indoctrined way of thinking that they really don't align with, I'm going along with this, but I really don't believe it at all. And I at some point need to break free from it, which can be really difficult. What I used to do with clients I had, um, I've done a couple of workshops with groups and taught about tolerations and, and explain them just as we have and said, make a list of 30 things that you're tolerating from the from the smallest, you know, sewing on a button or whatever that is, to the biggest--moving, changing jobs, ending relationships. And look at that list. And what could you address in the next 24 hours? And of course, there were many things I can sew on a button, I can sweep my garage or whatever it is. And then what are what are some things that you can address in the next 48 hours? What about in the next month? What about in the next six months? And yeah, it's a really fun exercise. And then of course, when you address these things, like we've been saying, you feel so light and it does it does create space and an interesting way that motivates you to move forward. Yeah, that was a really good example that you gave Denise. Yeah. Can you can you think of any other personal examples? 

Oh, I just made a phone call today that I've been putting off. 

Oh,

I'd be getting ready to do this thing. I thought. Okay, just. Yeah. No. Yeah. I just made a phone call today that I've been putting off, but, um. Yeah. So funny. Right? Like, why why am I putting this off? So you make the phone call, and of course, it's perfect and everything. 

Yeah, 

the ending is half an hour. You think? Very accomplished that I actually did it, but yeah, yeah, there's things that, um, I'll put off, I, I...It's not even that I'm lazy. It just I put things off. I don't have to do it right now. I'll wait until I have to do it. Yeah, yeah. And so it's like a dangling. It's just always there in my, you know, in my head and in my space, taking up space. Right. So yeah, 

It does take up space and it takes up more space than we realize. All these little things that we put off or we don't do or we think we can't do or and you know, relationship tolerations, are really big and really scary. But I think the majority of people who have let go of, of a relationship that was very difficult or abusive or whatever it may be, just. Have such a sense of of freedom and, you know, a new start. And there's so many things that we, you know, we finally address and we think, oh, why did I wait so long? Why did why didn't do that sooner? 

Yeah. I, um, was tapping EFT, doing tapping with a client a long time ago, and she came in and, um, told this story about her friend. And, you know, I don't even remember the story, but she was very overwhelmed. Right? So we started doing the tapping. Usually I'd book an hour for those kinds of sessions and about three minutes in and I said, so, you know, anybody else is showing up? And she looked at me and she said, "i'm not putting up with all that shit from him. That's it. I'm done." 

She just realized it in that moment? 

yeah, yeah, yeah, really funny. Yeah, yeah. So just as a, as an example of things that occupy all of our brain space and our heart space. And, you know, sometimes the solution is drastic, but sometimes it's simple. Sometimes it's simple, right? Sometimes it's maybe sometimes it's us changing our expectation or us even questioning ourselves around our own expectations and then acting from there. Right? I don't know. Yeah. It doesn't have to be, you know, shut the door forever. There can be other ways of healing, 

Right. You can make adjustments. Right. But, you know, Mela, getting back to your story, I've certainly over the years been in relationships where I've got to the point of not only was I tolerating, but I had to ask myself later, why was I tolerating it? What does this what does this say about me? What did I not feel I deserved better? Why could I not say I don't deserve this and I'm not going to take it anymore? This is over. Like Denise said in the beginning, it can often have an impact on your whole self-worth. And that's, uh, you know, a lot of these things take self-examination, which is always a good thing. 

Yeah. I mean, it definitely made me kind of reflect on on how generally I've been just tolerating these little things that, like my friends would do. I feel like I'm just making myself so available for them. But when I need them, 

they're not there. 

They're harder. Like, they can reach me, right? Like whenever they want to go for a walk or they want to come over to do X, Y and Z, or they need me to deejay this event and whatever for really cheap or whatever. And because they're my friends, I'm like, sure, I'll do it. Knowing fully. Well, I'm worth more than that. But at the same time I'm like, I want to be a good friend. I'm going to do this for them. But it's like when I need them to come support me when it hasn't, you know what I mean? Like, they're 

well, that's what we mean by reciprocity. If there's no reciprocity, that's not a healthy relationship.

Yeah. 

And those are the kind of relationships that we probably want to terminate. 

And the ironic thing is, like, they'll turn around and complain to me about their other friends who do this exact thing that they're doing to me, 

That's common. 

And I'm just in my brain. I'm like, oh my God, like, you're complaining about this person. This is how you treat me. And I like I didn't want to obviously turn the tables and I wanted to be the good friend and listen to them complain. 

Right.

Do you know what? That's a whole other episode. What is what? What is what is friendship? What does that mean? You know, we can expand on that. And and again, this applies to boomers too. 

Yeah. 

Are those people that we thought were our friends really? And who are our friends and and going back to our episode last week, be grateful for those people who are our true friends and understand what reciprocity is and are there for us as we are for them. 

Mhm. 

Because when you let go of relationships that aren't serving you anymore, that aren't working, you make you create space for better ones. 

Yeah. 

Anyway. Okay. Denise, anything. What else do we want to say about this is a big topic. And and you know, you were talking about expectations. I thought there's another episode in itself. Right? 

Yes. Put that on the docket. 

Expectations are big. Yeah. Yeah. And the thing about. And this is just so lovely that, um, just opening up a conversation around what are you tolerating has turned into an eye opening session for Mela. You know, it just. 

Yeah,

yeah. And, um. Yeah. And you can just. For myself this morning. Let's pick up the phone and make the call. What? I mean, like ticking boxes, getting things done that, um, way us down to just do them. It's easier. 

It's like a cleanse. Did it feel like a cleanse to sort of clean those cupboards, make that phone call?

Yeah, I was like oh my God, I'm a superstar. And why didn't I do that sooner? You know what I mean?

So can we say anything more about that? And you not examining this topic before Mela? Did you learn something? And? And is there anything more that you would like us to address regarding toleration? 

I mean, I learned that as soon as you said the word 'tolerations' and then you said, like, relationships, I was like, oh my gosh, this has been waiting on me for weeks. It gave me the verbiage to describe how I was feeling. 

Mhm. 

Good. 

That word does bring up clarity, right? That question. What are you tolerating me. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And it kind of like gives you permission to unleash what's actually happening internally, 

Right. 

Yeah. I mean, Denise, before we took that coach training, I had never considered the whole topic of tolerations before. Was never a question I asked myself. 

No, 

no 

using that. That's one of the things I love about coaching is that it's sort of, um, gave me a language to, to describe or to define some of your, um, intangible, um, experiences that I didn't really look at before as. Oh, but because when you name it, it becomes real, right? So what? It can be just a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo in your head. But when somebody literally says, what do you tolerating in terms of this relationship? Well, now. Oh, yeah. Now I really am tolerating something. 

Mhm. 

And I have agency. I can now make a choice. Right? 

I have agency that's really good. That is powerful.

because now it's solid. It's been named one when I as a coach would say to you what are you tolerating in terms of this relationship. It's eye opening. Oh I really am tolerating something. So we named it what are you tolerating? And so because it's named now you have choice. Now there instead of just mumbo jumbo in your head or um, being zapped and and taking energy drained and being burnt out. Now you understand, it's because I'm tolerating something so you can make a choice to get rid of that toleration, to fix it, to let it go, to have the conversation, to make the phone call. Yeah, there's clarity, 

There's clarity. And as you say, Denise, having the language, I remember somebody saying to me, they didn't use the word tolerate, but it means the same thing. Why are you putting up with this? And I honestly, that changed everything for me. I had never asked myself that. And but I then had to say. Good question. I don't know why, and it put me on a whole different path. But that's what she was asking me. Why are you tolerating it? 

Right. Yeah. And just just to back up and just kind of give people... Sometimes we have to tolerate things. Right? So work on the stuff that you can fix. Sometimes there are things that we do have to tolerate just because of circumstances. So. So then it becomes acceptance right?  

Yeah. Weather being one of them, 

Weather being one of them I'm not resisting it, I'm accepting it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weather's a good one. Yeah. 

Okay. This is, um, this is a fun conversation and one that we can go more deeply into another time for sure. And I think we should do another one on, uh, expectations because and, and you know, always it all relates to boomers and millennials and the Zs and the Zeds and the 

the alphas and the betas, and the blah, blah blahs 

Right. 

As we get older, I mean,there's a lot of things that, um, show up. I remember somebody saying, oh, wait till you're 40. Everything changes and nothing changed wait until you're 50. Everything changes and nothing changed and then 60. And it was like, oh my gosh. Oh oh right. Yeah. So yeah, there's a lot of things that show up as we age that um, can be considered as tolerations. And so to understand that and to take steps to stay as healthy as possible is really important.

Yeah. Denise. Just a huge warm thank you to you again. Um, these are always so. These conversations are always so rich and full of learning for everybody. And just appreciate you so much.

Well, I was happy to do it... 

Thanks, Denise. 

Thank you. I like being invited on, so. Thank you. 

Yeah, it's always fun. It's it's an open invitation. Right. Mela? 

Yes. 

Yeah. 

Yeah. And thanks for your input with this Mela. 

Thanks for giving words to my trivial, intangible emotions. 

It's not..emotions aren't trivial. Ever.

Yeah, so that's the point of the conversation. It's not trivial. 

Exactly. 

Not trivial at all. 

Not trivial.

I love that.

Yeah. Not trivial at all. No. And it was. It was a perfect share for the conversation today. So. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. It really was. Yeah. 


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What's Next? is written and created by Barb Desmarais. It is produced, edited and engineered by Mela. If you like the show, follow us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream your podcast. Thank you for listening.